Halloween h2OH GOD NO!
by Popeland
Summary: Its halloween. Time for the annual Nosgoth fancy dress! Come on and join in on the fun! Finished!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: this may shock you but i don't own LoK! * Gasp * I was as surprised as you to learn this. So what have we learned? I don't own LoK  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Halloween night  
  
Popeland & Kain are walking to annual fancy dress at the pillars  
  
  
Popeland: and your dressed as what again?  
  
Kain: Michealangelo  
  
Me: ...the sculptor?  
  
Kain: The turtle  
  
(Kain has a shell strapped to his back and is wearing a bandanna)  
  
Me: ah right  
  
Kain: what are you supposed to be?  
  
Me: Death  
  
(Popeland is wearing a black rode and has a scythe.)  
  
Kain: where'd did you get that stuff?  
  
Me: Mortainius lent it to me  
  
Kain:I am so gonna win the best costume  
  
  
The pillars  
  
Me: oh dear god  
  
( ok just imagine nearly everyone from LoK dressed up as...as.....actually what the hell are they dressed up as?)  
  
Kain: WHAT??! NO!!  
  
(Kain runs across the room)  
  
Vorador: oh hi Kain  
  
Kain: What are you dressed up as?  
  
Vorador: Michealangelo  
  
Kain: ...the sculptor?  
  
Vorador: the turtle  
  
Kain: I'M MICHEALANGELO!!!!  
  
Vorador: oh what a coincidence  
  
Kain: I'm gonna kill you!!  
  
(Kain attacks Vorador)  
  
Raziel as Darth Vader: Pshhhhh.. this happens every year ...pshhhhhhh  
  
Me: Errm raz.. there's a bucket on your head  
  
Raziel as darth vader: pshhhhhh... ITS PART OF THE COSTUME YOU IDIOT!!! ..pshhhhh  
  
Turel as Santa: Hello  
  
Me: oh dear god....  
  
Turel: only 55 days till Christmas  
  
(Popeland runs away screaming)  
  
Me: Damn that was scary  
  
Moebius as Elvis: ah greetings Popeland..... cookie?  
  
Me: they're poisoned aren't they?  
  
Moebius as Elvis: Yes but there chocolate chip  
  
Me: ahh ok then  
  
(moebius hands Popeland a cookie)  
  
Me: mmmm you can hardly taste the arsenic  
  
Moebius as Elvis: thank you. Its nice when people recognise your effort  
  
(Popeland dies)  
  
Moebius: hmmm 10 seconds excellent. Oh Kain  
  
(Popeland is revived)  
  
Mortainius as fidel castro: ha I told you I could still bring people back when I'm drunk! I told ye! All 12 of ye! * Hic *  
  
(Nuraptor hands over 10$)  
  
Nuraptor as pop n fresh: damn! And you stop poking my stomach!  
  
Malek as the tin man from the wizard of Oz: sorry  
  
(Popeland dies)  
  
Mortainius as Fidel Castro: revive them ,maybe, keep the alive ,no... anyway back to the minibar! * Hic *  
  
(Popeland reappear on his own this time)  
  
Janos has one of those cheap plastic rings you get in the cake  
  
Janos as batman: ohhhhhhhh sparkly  
  
Dumah as bilbo baggins: just show me the ring.  
  
Janos as batman: its mine  
  
Dumah as bilbo baggins: RAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
(Duamh makes a face)  
  
Janos as batman: Errrrrr...........what was that?  
  
Dumah as bilbo baggins: damn it worked so much better in the film  
  
Ariel as Brittany spears: hello Popeland  
  
Me: I WANT TO LEAVE!!  
  
Ariel as Brittany spears: sorry you can't leave until either someone is murdered and you find out who did it or everyone is being murdered and you have to survive, get out, tell people about the evil supernatural killer and get locked up in a mental institution because no one believes you  
  
Me: oh fabulous  
  
  
  
  
  
So that's the frist dodgy chapter up. Its not very good but I wanted to put something up for halloween. Help would be appreicated. So read & review!! 


	2. Chapter 2

The sanctuary of the clans  
  
  
Me: And that's happens when your invest in foreign markets  
  
Kain: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  
  
Moebius: Brrrrrrrr...... I'm gonna have nightmares tonight  
  
(Screams are heard)  
  
Kain: what was that?!  
  
(All run in the direction of the scream)  
  
Umah: Someone's been murdered!  
  
Vorador: hey you weren't here in chapter one  
  
Umah: Oh yeah...  
  
*Pop*  
  
(Umah disappears)  
  
Me: DAMMIT VORADOR!!! Don't point out plot holes!  
  
Raziel: Who's been murdered?  
  
Me: Its dumah!  
  
(All gasp)  
  
Vorador: Oh who cares!  
  
Me: WHAT?!  
  
Vorador: Ah come on! Look most of us here are dead  
  
Me: Shut up Vorador!  
  
Vorador: Moebius is dead, mortainius is dead, malek is dead, nupraptor is dead, Ariel is dead, janos is dead,..........  
  
*Pop*  
  
(Moebius,Mortainius,Malek,Nupraptor,Ariel and Janos disappear)  
  
Me: VORADOR YOU IDIOT!!!! Enough with the plot holes!!!  
  
Vorador: Cool I can make all of you disappear!!! I'm invincible!!!  
  
Me: I seem to remember a certain someone getting his head cut off.......  
  
Vorador: DAMN YOU!!!!  
  
*Pop*  
  
(Vorador disappears)  
  
Me: Now I have to right all of them back into the story  
  
Raziel: Don't worry I'm still here  
  
Kain: Me too  
  
Turel: I'm here  
  
Marcus: So am I!  
  
Me: You weren't here in the first place!  
  
*pop*  
  
(Marcus disappears)  
  
5 minutes later  
  
Raziel: Who's been murdered?  
  
Me: Its dumah!  
  
(All gasp)  
  
Vorador: Who care.....ARGHHHHH!!!!!  
  
(all characters proceed to beat up vorador)  
  
A few minutes later  
  
Me: Anyway. It seems to me that he was impaled on several spears  
  
Turel: How did you figure that out?   
  
Me: Well do you see all those spears sticking through him?  
  
Turel: Yes......your point?  
  
Me: ........shutup. anyway where there any witnesses?  
  
Raziel: well Umah was but she's not here anymore!  
  
Me: Well that's a lot mister "I think I'll point out all the flaws in this story"  
  
Kain: He can't hear you  
  
Me: Oh yes he can!  
  
Kain: No, not anymore  
  
Me: Ah right.   
  
  
  
Hmmmmmmm will we ever discover who the murder is? So read and review  
Oh yeah sorry about the delay of the writing this chapter. I blame school  
Anyway  
REVIEW!!!! 


	3. Chapter 3

Previously on Halloween h2OH GOD NO!!  
  
Umah: Someone's been murdered!  
  
Popeland: Its Dumah!  
  
All gasp  
  
Janos: Oh no a pipe just burst!!  
  
(The water kills all the vampires except Janos who fly's up)  
  
Moebius: Not so fast fly boy!!  
  
(Moebius pulls out a shotgun and shots Janos out of the air)  
  
Janos: ARGGHHHHHH!!!!  
  
(Janos dies)  
  
Ariel: Moebius! What a man!  
  
Malek: He will be our new king!  
  
  
  
Me: Moebius! Get away from that keyboard!  
  
Moebius: Damn!  
  
Me: What have you been doing?  
  
Moebius: well I .....you see.....  
  
(Popeland reads what Moebius wrote)  
  
Me: ......well at least you didn't kill me  
  
Moebius: I was just going to! I swear!  
  
Me: One more wrong move and I'll rename you Captain Sorbo for the rest of the story!  
  
Moebius: Come on! I was only joking!  
  
Me: Yeah it was quite funny.....   
  
Moebius: Nothing passes the time like killing hated enemies  
  
Me: So true. Anyway I must solve the murder!  
  
  
  
The drawing room of the sanctuary of the clans  
  
  
(Popeland is wearing a sherlock homes hat and has a pipe)  
  
Me: Send Raziel in for questioning  
  
(Raziel enters and sits down)  
  
Me: So Mr. Raziel, did you have anything against the deceased  
  
Raziel: Well his hands bore me into the abyss.......and he keeps stealing my gameboy!  
  
Me: SO YOU KILLED HIM!!!  
  
Raziel: Yep  
  
Me: What?  
  
Raziel: I killed him  
  
Me: Well thats was easy.  
  
Raziel:the first time. I didn't kill him again... you do realize if you take the spears out he'll come back to life?  
  
Me: we'll do that once we've looted his house  
  
Raziel: ah right  
  
Me: Do you have any suspicion who did?  
  
Raziel: Moebius  
  
Me: OK you can go now. Tell Moebius to come in  
  
(Raziel leaves and Moebius enters)  
  
Me: I cut straight to the point Moebius, what is that weird thing on your forehead  
  
Moebius: It glows in the dark!  
  
Me: right. Anyway did you murder Dumah?  
  
Moebius: no! I may have planted the landmine on kains throne, I might have even poured that bucket of water on Janos.....  
  
Me: do you have a light?  
  
Moebius: yes  
  
(Moebius hands Popeland a match)  
  
Moebius: Anyway, I may even be the one who put gunpowder in your pipe but I didn't kill Dumah.  
  
(Pipe explodes)  
  
Me: ARGHHHHHH!!!!!!! MY EYEBROWS!!!!!  
  
(Popeland runs around with his head on fire)  
  
Moebius: BWHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Me: THAT'S IT MOEBIUS!!!  
  
Captain Sorbo: Oh what are you going to do?........wait a minute......Captain Sorbo? DAMN YOU!!!  
  
Me: Now unless you want to have to say "matey" in every sentence get out!!  
  
(Captain Sorbo\Moebius runs out)  
  
Me: Kain bring in Vorador  
  
(Vorador is pushed in on a wheelchair with a sock in his mouth)  
  
Me: now I'll take the sock out of your mouth if you promise to stop pointing out plot holes  
  
Vorador nods  
  
Popeland takes the sock out of his mouth  
  
Me: now Mr. Vorador. Where were you at the time of the murder  
  
Vorador: I was playing cards with Malek  
  
Me: will he confirm your location  
  
Vorador: no, probably because of the whole murder of the circle which caused him to be fused with his armor and the whole killing him thing  
  
Me: OK you may leave  
  
Vorador: one thing, since when does the sanctuary of the clans have a drawing room?  
  
*pop*  
  
(Drawing room disappears)  
  
Me: You just don't learn do you?  
  
Vorador: Eeep!  
  
  
  
  
So what do you think? .............really that bad?  
READ & REVIEW!!  
Remember. I don't know where any of you live!! 


	4. Chapter 4

The lake of the dead  
  
  
Kain and Raziel: Captain Sorbo! He's our hero!   
With him around there's nothing to fearo!  
  
Moebius/Captain Sorbo: Silence you insolent fools!!  
  
Kain: Fly captain! Fly!!  
  
(Kain and Raziel throw him into the lake of the dead)  
  
Moebius/Captain Sorbo: AHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh...............  
  
Raziel: hmmmm I didn't think he'd fall that fast  
  
Kain: er........RUN!!!  
  
(Kain and Raziel run back to the pillars)  
  
  
The pillars  
  
Me: Where the Captain go?  
  
Raziel: What?! how would I know! Why do you always accuse me first!  
  
Me: err...right.....anyway the crime has been solved!  
  
Janos: that was quick  
  
Me: Yes. Yes it was.  
  
Malek: tell us!  
  
Me: It all started when Dumah decided to go hit on Umah  
  
Vorador: Wait a minute...  
  
Me: For god sake Vorador! Just shutup!  
  
Vorador: But still...  
  
(Popeland throws a glass of water on his face)  
  
Vorador: AHHHHH!! MY FACE!! MY FACE!!! MY BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL FACE!!!  
  
Kain: erm...Wasn't that a bit extreme?  
  
Me: Yeah, I mean is face isn't beautiful at all really..  
  
Vorador: BURNING!! BURNING!!! ......Slightly refreshing......BURNING!  
  
Me: anyway,Dumah decided to go hit on Umah, but in the shadows lurked the killer biding his time, waiting for an opportunity to strike!  
  
(Turel gasps)  
  
Me: Thank you...... Dumah walks past and then...... THE MURDERER LEAPS!! Stab! Stab! Dumah is down! ..........And the murder is in this very room!  
  
(Everyone looks suspiciously at each other)  
  
Me: Isn't that right........JANOS!!!  
  
Janos: Is it?  
  
Me: ........ obviously not......... or is it .......MALEK!!!  
  
Malek: I don't know....  
  
Me: Of course you don't because the only one who does is.......TUREL!!  
  
Turel: do I?  
  
Me: Maybe........or maybe not.....eh KAIN?!!  
  
Kain: Eh what?  
  
(5 minutes later)  
  
Me: That's so true......don't you agree.......MORTAINIUS!!!!!  
  
Mortainius: Not really  
  
Me: I see...... what do you think.........DUMAH!!!  
  
Duamh: About what?  
  
Me: Never mind.........Dumah?  
  
Duamh: Yes?  
  
Me: Did I ask you before?  
  
Duamh: Yep  
  
Me: Ah right....sorry.......or maybe I should be saying sorry to .....RAZIEL!!  
  
Raziel: Should you?  
  
Me: .......ONE SECOND!!! DUMAH!! YOUR ALIVE!!!  
  
Duamh:yes  
  
Me: But you were dead!  
  
Duamh It was a life insurance scheme.  
  
Me: Did it work?  
  
Dumah: No..... halfway through the plan I realized I had no life insurance  
  
Me: Great now what do we do for the rest of the story?  
  
Kain:........  
  
Raziel:........  
  
(Malek shuffles uncomfortably)  
  
Turel: *cough*  
  
(Captain Sorbo runs in)  
  
Captain sorbo: There they are!! Kill them all!  
  
(Hundreds of sarafan run in)  
  
Sarafan 1: Demons!  
  
Sarafan 2: Vampiric scum!  
  
Sarafan 3: Wow I can't believe I met the REAL Captain Sorbo!  
  
Kain: Oh great.....  
  
Raziel: Next year we're NOT inviting Moebius!  
  
  
Will we survive? ......Damn I hope so. Anyway, READ & REVIEW!!!  
And you! I'm watching you! Think you can read this and not review? Oh yes I'm talking to you!  
Think your so great with your hair and your eyes! If we don't review I'll hunt you down!!  
Or do nothing........yeah I'll probably do nothing  
READ & REVIEW!!! 


	5. Chapter 5

A sarafan prison  
  
Janos, Vorador,Raziel, Kain and Popeland are locked up  
  
Kain: LET ME OUT!!!  
  
Captain Sorbo/Moebius: Afraid to die vampire?  
  
Kain: no I just don't want to share a cell with Vorador!  
  
Vorador: Oh thanks!  
  
Captain Sorbo/Moebius: BWHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!! Hey!! What are you doing?!!!  
  
(Popeland is writing on a piece of paper)  
  
Me: Then Captain sorbo said......  
  
Captain Sorbo/Moebius: AHH!!!! .....I think I'll let you all go....... TAKE THE PAPER AWAY QUICK!!!  
  
( Several guards run in and take all the paper away)  
  
Me: Well that's my plan ruined........  
  
Captain Sorbo/Moebius: Now all my enemies will be destroyed....... Except for that damn captain birdseye..... wait a minute whos captain birdseye? Anyway DON'T LET ANY OF THEM ESCAPE MALEK!!  
  
Malek: Yes Captain  
  
(Captain Sorbo/Moebius leaves)  
  
Raziel: oi malek!  
  
Malek: Silence foul beast!  
  
Kain: oh charming!  
  
Malek: you are a plague that should be wiped off the earth!  
  
Kain: well your not coming to next years party  
  
Malek: Come on!!! This is just work!   
  
Kain: ......ah well alright  
  
Malek: Thanks you demon scum!!  
  
(Explosion)  
  
Umah: This better be the right place this time!  
  
Zephon: Hey its not my fault the orphanage looked like a prison!  
  
Melchiah: Or the hospital  
  
Rahab: Or the retirement home  
  
Duamh: Or the nuns home  
  
Turel: frankly I thought the golf course was going a bit far...............  
  
Zephon: shutup!  
  
Janos: What are you doing here?  
  
Umah: We're here to rescue you!! Get into the van!  
  
(Everyone runs to the van and gets in)  
  
Zephon: Malek get out  
  
Malek: oh yeah sorry  
  
(Van speeds off)  
  
(Mortainius walks in)  
  
Mortainius: Hey where are the prisoners?!  
  
Malek: They got away....  
  
Mortainius: For failing the Circle ,again, Malek of the Sarafan, you are hereby Damned ,again!  
  
Malek: ah damn  
  
Mortainius: The pleasures of Armour polish are no longer yours!  
  
Malek: NOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooo.....................!  
  
The getaway van  
  
Kain: turn on the radio!  
  
Raziel: MY SONG IS ON!!!  
  
D.J voice: And now its time to play this weeks nosgoth number one!  
"Because I did die" by Raziel and the LoK crew  
  
Raziel: I was gonna Live a long life   
But then I did die  
Kain: Oooo ooooo oooo  
Raziel: then I was raised from the dead ,with the other five  
All lieutenants: La la la   
Raziel: Now I'm a vampire lieutenant and I know why!  
All: Why man? OoooOOO!  
Raziel: Because I did die, because I did die, because I did die  
  
Raziel: I could have ruled nosgoth   
But then I could fly  
Lieutentants: Oooo oooo oooo  
Raziel: For this ,Kain said I must die  
Kain: La la la  
Raziel: I was damned for eternity and I know why!  
Turel and Dumah: Why man? OooooOOO!  
Raziel: Because I could fly, because I could fly, because I could fly  
  
Raziel:I was rescued by the elder god  
I didn't die  
Elder God: Ooooo oooo oooo  
Raziel: although to my lower jaw I had to saw goodbye  
Kain: La la la  
Raziel: Kain would pay for his crime and I know why!  
All: Why man? OooooOOO!  
Raziel: Because I didn't die, because I didn't die, because I didn't  
  
Raziel: Kain escaped me  
Because he was sly  
Kain:Ooooo oooo ooo  
Raziel:Through that damn time portal he did fly  
Kain: Ha ha ha  
Raziel: but all was not in vain and I know why!  
Lieutenants: Why man! OooooOO!  
Raziel: cause all of you did die, oh you did die. You did die  
  
D.J Voice: Now PLEASE GET THIS CRAP OFF NUMBER ONE!!  
  
Raziel: Shut up you!!  
  
D.J Voice: Make me!!!  
  
Vorador: Wait a minute there are no vans in nosgoth!  
  
*Pop*  
  
(Van disappears and everyone is left travelling at 80 miles per hour in a seated position)  
  
Me: How I hate you  
  
CRASH!!!!!  
  
  
OH dear god!! I hope I'm all right!   
And angel-chan when you told me to stop stalking you and said just kidding does that mean I still can?  
I'm at the window right now.........wait a minute now I'm not  
Anyway READ & REVIEW!!!!!!! 


	6. Chapter 6

Me: Just a note to say  
I'm not stalking anyone!  
  
Kain: Yes he is  
  
Me: Lies!!! You be careful Kain! I know things......  
  
Kain: AHHH!!!   
  
Me: Anyway that's not me in the bushes over there that's that is Mustafa Kemal who set up the republic of turkey in 1923!!  
  
Mustafa: What? Damn you!  
  
(Mustafa runs away)  
  
Me: And I made someone's day!  
Huzzah!!!   
That's 52 ruined and one made  
And once again I don't own LoK  
Anyway on with the Story!  
  
  
(At the crash site of the now non-existant escape van)  
(Kain,Vorador,Raziel, Janos, Umah and the vampire lieutenants are all in terrible pain)  
  
  
Kain: owwww!!!!! Pain!!  
  
Raziel: Arghhhh! My knees!!  
  
Kain: Where's everyone else?  
  
Raziel: In the wall over there.....  
  
Kain: I'd look but I can't seem to....  
  
Raziel: .......I'm just gonna fall unconscious  
  
Kain: good idea  
  
(Kain and Raziel pass out)  
  
  
(10 minutes later 2 Sarafan arrive)  
  
  
Mike the Sarafan: well you see I joined for the helmet  
  
Pat the Sarafan: I like the whole costume myself  
  
Mike the Sarafan: yeah......... are there always a group of unconscious vampires here?  
  
Pat the Sarafan: I don't think so. Why?  
  
Mike the Sarafan: because there're are a group of unconscious vampires in front of us.  
  
Pat the Sarafan: AHHHHHHH!! What do we do??!!!!!  
  
Mike the Sarafan: one second I'll check the handbook! ........unconscious vampires.......unconscious vampires.........its not here but now I know how to deal with unruly vegetables  
  
Pat the Sarafan: .......well they are in the way so I suppose we could give them a parking ticket  
  
Mike the Sarafan: all right then  
  
(Mike the Sarafan puts a parking ticket on each vampire)  
  
Mike the Sarafan: HAHAHAHA!!   
  
Pat the Sarafan: let us tell Lord Moebius of our great victory!  
  
Mike the Sarafan: Lord Moeba-what?  
  
Pat the Sarafan: You know, carries around that weird staff...... has the number 8 on his fore head  
  
Mike the Sarafan: Oh you mean captain Sorbo  
  
Pat the Sarafan: Oh yeah, excuse me  
  
(The Sarafan walk away)  
  
(Popeland arrives running)  
  
Me: HELP ME!!! its Mustafa Kemal back for revenge!!  
  
Turel: Not Mustafa Kemal!!  
  
(Everyone jumps up)  
  
Mustafa: Die!!  
  
Vorador: Wait a minute!!! Who the hell is Mustafa Kemal???!!!!!  
  
Kain: he set up the republic of turkey in 1923!!  
  
Raziel: .........where's turkey?  
  
Janos: Its..........its........ wait a minute! There no such place in Nosgoth!  
  
(All look at Popeland)  
  
Me: Well I'd like to see you write something better!  
  
Umah: Fine then we'll write the next chapter!  
  
Me: Okay!!! If your so sure how about a wager!  
  
Turel: Yeah!!! I always need some extra money!  
  
Me: OK I bet 5$!!  
  
All gasp  
  
Kain: Errrrrrrr one second  
  
(All the vampires go into a huddle)  
  
Zephon: That's serious money  
  
Melchiah: But we're sure to win  
  
Rahab: yeah, with my good looks and with your........your........ well with my good looks anyway.  
  
Raziel: Shutup!  
  
Kain: Ok we'll make the bet  
  
(They come out of the huddle)  
  
Kain: we agree 5$!!  
  
Popeland: Your going down!  
  
  
  
Next chapter will be written by Kain,Vorador,Raziel, Janos, Umah, the vampire lieutenants and Mustafa Kemal!  
Kain: Mustafa Go away!  
Mustafa: I'll be back and you'll all pay!!  
Kain: Right yeah  
  
Who will win the 5$????? 


	7. Chapter 7

Me: ok as agreed the vampires will write this chapter  
  
All Vampires: HURRAH!!!  
  
Me: Here you go  
  
(Popeland gives Kain author powers)  
  
Me: That 5$ will be mine! And at this point I'd like to announce I'm going into the fanfiction proof bomb shelter  
  
(Popeland runs off)  
  
Kain: Right then lets get this show on the road! ...what to do now........ aha!!  
  
(Suddenly every thing begins to distort)  
  
Janos: AHHHHHHH!!!!! Whats happening?  
  
Kain: Were're going back in time  
  
Turel: oh fabulous  
  
Raziel: where are we going?  
  
Kain: Meridian  
  
Melchiah: Ermmm... why  
  
Kain: *Darkly* I want to talk to an old ... friend  
  
Vorador: is it Simon  
  
Kain: What?   
  
Dumah: Oh for gods sake Vorador! I don't think he meant Simon!  
  
Kain: of course I didn't. Vorador you're a right idiot sometimes  
  
Dumah: it's obviously john..  
  
Kain: What!! no you idiots! I meant the Sarafan lord!  
  
Rahab: The Sarafan Lords your friend?  
  
Kain: Of course not! I was being sarcastic.  
  
Zephon: So in fact you don't want to talk to an old friend?  
  
Kain: Oh just shutup!!  
  
(The background begins to rearrange itself)  
  
Kain: and here we are  
  
Sarafan Lord: And then I says to Mike, not on my watch soldier and then he says.....wait a minute.... Why am I surrounded by a horde of vampires  
  
Kain: Steal my sword will you?!!!  
  
Sarafan Lord: what sword? Hey what are you doing!!!!!!!! NOOOOOoooooo...........  
  
(Sarafan Lord turns into a flower pot with a Lilac in it)  
  
Kain: HAHAHAHAHA!!!! How ironic  
  
Raziel: How the hell is that ironic?  
  
Kain: ......in the way that if you don't shutup I'll turn you into a potato  
  
Raziel: Oh......heh heh..... now I get it....very funny  
  
Kain: Lets go back and blow up Moebius!  
  
All: YAY!!  
  
(Once again the landscape begins to distort)  
  
Umah: Kain do you think turning the Sarafan lord into a flower will affect Nosgoths future badly?  
  
Kain: We turned the most powerful enemy of the vampires into lilac, I think we might be all right  
  
(The background begins to rearrange itself)  
  
Kain: see nothing bad has happened  
  
Raziel: errrrr.... Kain we're surrounded by millions of Hylden  
  
Kain: oh yeah  
  
(The hylden attack)  
  
(The battle wages on for hours)  
  
Raziel: DIE!!!  
  
Vorador: AHA!!!  
  
Turel: WHERE'S MY TOOTHBRUSH!! SOMEBODY STOLE MY TOOTHBURSH!!  
  
Janos: amm....... Kain?  
  
Kain: What?!!  
  
Janos: I was just wondering , can't you just turn the Hylden into shoes or something?  
  
Kain: Oh yeah  
  
(For no apparent reason all the hylden turn into shoes)  
  
Kain: there we go  
  
Umah: whats going on?!!! Why are the hylden here?!  
  
Kain: one second  
  
( a copy of blood omen 2 appears in his hand)  
  
Kain: okay ...  
  
(He puts blood omen 2 on)  
  
Raziel: what the hell?  
  
(The opening cutscene plays and it shows Kain and his vampire armies laying waste to a human city. Suddenly a flower pot falls from a window and breaks over kains head. Kain stumbles around and then falls somehow managing to impale himself on the soul reaver. The vampire army panic and runs off. The humans find the flower pot and make it there king. It then shows the Sarafan killing all vampires)  
  
Kain: ........well that was unexpected  
  
Vorador: Wait a minute doesn't that mean we're all dead  
  
Kain: VORADOR YOU STUPID*pop*  
  
(The laws of physics snap into action and all the vampires are erased from history. Well except for Raziel. The laws of physics were never quite sure if he should have been there in the first place. But before Rahab is erased from history he draws on a moustache)  
  
The Laws of Physics: Hey! Aren't you Rahab THE VAMPIRE?!!!!  
  
Rahab: me? Of course not! Rahab never existed and he didn't have a moustache.  
  
The Laws of Physics: Fair enough  
  
Raziel: DAMN VORADOR!!! Kain was the one with the author powers! Now we're stuck!!  
  
Rahab: But lets look on the bright side. I'm still here  
  
(Raziel looks at Rahab and breaks into tears)  
  
Raziel: Why couldn't I have been erased too?!!  
  
Rahab: Pull yourself together man!.... I mean vampire ...I mean... hey what the hell are you any way?  
  
Raziel: well I'm .....i'm .... Nevermind that!! There's only one way we can fix this!!! We must destroy the Sarafan Lilac!!!  
  
Rahab: How do you know?! Your only guessing!!  
  
Raziel: Well all I did in soul reaver 2 was guess and that turned out fine......in theory. Anyway, DEATH TO THE SARAFAN.....lilac..  
  
Next chapter  
The confrontation with the Sarafan lilac!!!  
Read and review!! 


	8. Chapter 8

(Popeland emerges from the fanfiction proof bombshelter)  
  
Me: HUZZAH!! Did I win the bet?!  
  
????: pah! The bet is no longer relevant! The entire fabric of time has been rearranged by Kain reckless action  
  
Me: *gasp* CAPTAIN SORBO!!!  
  
Captain Sorbo: ITS MOEBIUS DAMMIT!!  
  
Me: yeah whatever, now get out of my fan fiction  
  
(Popeland attempts to use his author powers, but nothing happens)  
  
Captain Sorbo: haha! You gave your author powers to Kain! Kain no longer exists! Therefore your powers don't exist! I'm now the most powerful being in this universe!!  
  
Me: no your not!  
  
Captain Sorbo: Oh yes I am look!  
  
(Captain Sorbo/Moebius hands Popeland a piece of paper)  
  
Captain Sorbo: : it's the official 100 most powerful beings list!! As seen in Nosgoth weekly magazine!!  
  
(Popeland reads the list)  
  
Me: Wow..... Imrok the Mad is more powerful than hash ak Gik.... Hey! You not even on this list Moebius!  
  
Captain Sorbo: look at the top 3  
  
(Popeland reads the top 3)  
  
Me: hmmmm lets see  
#3: Mortainius  
#2: Duncan the gate keeper for BO2  
#1 CAPTAIN SORBO!!!  
But you Moebius not captain Sorbo!  
  
Captain Sorbo: of course I'm Captain Sorbo...arghhh matey, shiver me timber and so on. So now this is now MY fanfiction! But still I will let you write out your pitiful rebellion. See if it helps you  
  
(Captain Sorbo teleports Popeland away)  
  
Captain Sorbo: MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  
  
  
(The realm of impossibility)  
  
(Kain, Vorador, Janos, Umah, Melchiah, Zephon, Dumah and Turel are floating around in total nothingness)  
  
Kain: ....... This is your fault  
  
Vorador: how mine?!!  
  
Kain: hmmmmm let me see... oh yeah  
Ahem "Wait a minute doesn't that mean we're all dead"  
  
Vorador: that's blatantly taken out of context!!!  
  
Kain: oh shutup!  
  
(Janos floats past Kain)  
  
Janos: look at me!!! I can FLY!!!  
  
All: ...............  
  
Janos: ..what?  
  
Kain:.. somebody just kill me.........  
  
  
(Raziel and Rahab were walking down the street of a Hylden city. Using there stealth knowledge they adopt a tactic to not be recognized)  
  
Rahab: Raziel....... Why do we have to wear these purple dresses?  
  
Raziel: to be inconspicuous...  
  
Rahab.......okay...... do you have any idea how where going to find the Sarafan lilac?  
  
Raziel: I'm glad you asked that. Using my infinite knowledge of military tactics and the like I have deduced a master plan in order to determine the Sarafan lilacs whereabouts  
  
Rahab: how?  
  
Raziel: follow the signposts  
  
(Raziel points to a large sign with the words "SARAFAN LILAC THIS WAY" written on it)  
  
Rahab: ingenious!  
  
  
  
(meanwhile)  
  
  
(screams ring through the streets of the Hylden city where Popeland had been teleported to)  
  
Hylden 1: Run!! Run for your life!!!  
  
Popeland: come back! ...... whats his problem?  
  
Hylden child: Mommy!! Mommy! That man isn't wearing a purple dress!!  
  
Hylden mother: DON'T LOOK AT HIM!! Shield your eyes!!!!  
  
(All the Hylden run off screaming leaving Popeland alone in the street. Popeland stood in the streets for a while until he heard a strange voice)  
  
????: ahhhhhh..... Popeland the FAILED author.....  
  
Popeland: who said that?  
  
????: a being of supreme power!  
  
(Popeland looks around frantically)  
  
????: I'm down here you twit!!  
  
(Popeland looks down only to see a very small elder god floating around In a puddle)  
  
Me: ahhhhhhhhh...... aren't you cute  
  
Elder God: Silence!!! I have powers!!!  
  
Me: like what? Being the starter in a seafood restaurant?  
  
Elder god: SQUEEEEW!!!!  
  
(Elder god squirts ink at Popeland face)  
  
Me: EWWWW!!!!! You'll pay for that!  
  
Elder God: Pah! I know you no longer have your author power!   
  
Me: *Sarcastic* yeah because you need author powers to beat a tiny squid don't you?  
  
Elder god: er....er..... DON'T HURT MEEE!!! I can help you!! I know how you can get your author powers back!!  
  
Me: how?  
  
Elder god: kill Kain.....  
  
Me: what?  
  
Elder god: ... oops... wrong advice.... You must find the nexus stone  
  
Me: where's that the?  
  
Elder god: how the hell should I know? What do you think I am some sort of god?!  
  
Me: ........  
  
Elder god: ....oh yeah..... I am.... It keeps a portal open to the Hylden dimension in the industrial sector  
  
Me: all right then lets go!!  
  
  
(At the impenetrable fortress of the Sarafan lilac)  
  
Raziel: okay here's the plan, first push this huge perfectly square block to that wall, shoot a telekinetic projectile at that bell, then I'll shift to the spectral realm, run over to the bell, shift back to the material plane, flick a switch which will open the window on the 67th floor, move the block back again and then I'll climb that wall and we're in!! its just that easy!  
  
Rahab:...... Raziel, do you remember when I explained the concept of the front door?  
  
Raziel: oh yeah, that crazy theory! That had to be the most stupid idea ever! How could it possibly work without a least on block puzzle?  
  
Rahab: ..... Raziel, I think you have to admit you have a block puzzle problem  
  
(Raziel lifts up Rahab by his throat)  
  
Raziel: LOOK!! I DON'T NEED BLOCK PUZZLES!!! I CAN QUIT ANY TIME I WANT!!!  
  
Rahab: akk!! ......choking!.....CHOKING!....  
  
(Raziel drops Rahab)  
  
Raziel: fine! We will try it your way this time!  
  
(Raziel walks up to the door and pushes it. It doesn't budge)  
  
Raziel: see! It's impossible!  
  
Rahab: turn the door handle  
  
Raziel: er......am.....which way!! WHICH WAY!!  
  
Rahab: try turning it right  
  
(Raziel turns the door handle to the right)  
  
Raziel: Ahhhhh!!!! Nothings happening!!! ITS ALL GOING WRONG!!!!!  
  
Rahab: you have to turn the door handle AND push the door in  
  
Raziel: at the same time!! That's impossible!!! IMPOSSIBLE I TELL YOU!!!  
  
Rahab: oh just let me do it!  
  
(Rahab opens the door)  
  
Raziel: *amazed*........ but....but... how? You're a genius  
  
Rahab: oh just come on!  
  
(Rahab and Raziel enter the Sarafan lilac impenetrable fortress)  
  
  
  
Captain Sorbo: bah what a pitiful excuse for a chapter.... Matey  
  
Popeland voice from very far away: Please!!! Someone help me defeat Moebius!! ....... REVIEW!!!!  
  
Captain: Arghhh.... You all heard the idiot, review!  
  
Popeland voice from very far away: I'm not an idiot!  
  
Captain Sorbo: silence!............. Shiver me timbers  
  
(A bolt of lighting flashes in the background)  
  
Popeland voice from very far away: OWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Captain Sorbo: hehehehe........matey  
Next chapter controlled by me, captain Sorbo, so anything could happen!......... arghhh..... matey 


	9. Chapter 9

Time for another edition of the captains Sorbo show!!  
  
Captain Sorbo: Arghh... greetings ye scurvy sea dogs and so forth. As I'm sure all ye well informed readers know, I the mighty Captain Sorbo rule this fic. And once I work out this accursed Fanfiction login system all will be mine!! .......   
  
(Raziel and Rahab come across a giant greenhouse in the middle of the impenetrable fortress of the Sarafan lilac)  
  
Raziel V.O.: At last I had hunted my prey to his very lair.   
The Hylden garden was before me, from which the Hylden Geranium, in his guise of the Sarafan Lilac, planned to bring forth his alien compost and fertilise us all  
  
Rahab: Hey how come I can't do voice over?!  
  
Raziel: look, you got immunity to water I got voice-over. That's fair  
  
Rahab: No way! Voice over is much more useful!  
  
Raziel: V.O Rahab would never know he was too stupid to ever learn the power of voice over.....Raziel rocks.  
  
Rahab: I hate you so much....  
  
Raziel: Anyway back to business  
  
(Raziel leaps in to the greenhouse)   
  
Raziel: Turn, vile lilac! Your repotting day has come!   
  
The Sarafan Lilac: huh?!..... do I know you?   
  
Raziel: All your soil composition is revealed, together with it's true ingredients! Turn and enter the garden you have fashioned, and join your kind before I obliterate it. Or stay, and be destroyed upon its earth.   
  
The Sarafan Lilac: I confess, I did not expect to find anyone here, at the heart of my of my greenhouse. You are indeed a more capable adversary than I had thought possible.   
  
Rahab: *We* are more capable *adversaries!! I'm here too! Pluralise damn you!!   
  
Raziel: Rahab..... shutup...... Anyway, You can ponder that thought when you have made your choice. Return to the soil, or wither.   
  
The Sarafan Lilac: Do you think the watering can is over? Do you think it will end with me?   
Have you not wondered why so many of your trusted gardeners, time and again, bend their knees before me, accept me as their prize plant, and join their fertiliser to mine?  
  
Raziel: Nope, I can safely say I've never wondered that   
  
Rahab: HELLO?!! Why is no one talking to me?!   
  
The Sarafan Lilac: Did it not occur to you that perhaps my goal, and not yours, is the cause of right and justice? That your ambition to rule this world is but the youthful craving of a gardener, who has used too much fertiliser, but never enough.   
  
Raziel: Silence, daffodil! Your need for plant food is only too apparent.   
  
The Sarafan Lord: Plant food? I have no need for plant food?  
  
Raziel: You lie!   
  
(Raziel leaps at the lilac and they begin to fight. Unsurprisingly wins because ...well.... He's the only one who can really do anything. Raziel knocks the Sarafan lilac into the ornamental pond)  
  
Raziel V.O.: The Sarafan lilac   
What was it he said to me in that fateful moment before I lay the smackdown on his leafy ass?!   
"Huh... do I know you?"   
If you had lived, Lilac, you would have learned.  
  
Rahab: hold on a minute, how did killing the Sarafan lord do anything to change the present situation?!   
  
Raziel: Well....er......... at last Nosgoth will be ours?  
  
Rahab: Really? I call Willendorf!  
  
Raziel: Vasserbunde!!  
  
(Raziel and Rahab continue to name off the areas of Nosgoth for quite some time. Meanwhile in the industrial sector of meridian)  
  
Popeland: there no nexus stone here!  
  
Elder god: Yeah, I was just messing with your infinitely inferior human mind  
  
Popeland: oh wait her it is *picks up the nexus stone*  
  
Elder God: I told you didn't I?!  
  
(Captain Sorbo appears)  
  
Captain Sorbo: What are ye doing here?!  
  
Popeland: The charlatan author rears his head.   
  
Captain Sorbo: Ye are far from home, Dumb One...argghhhh  
  
Popeland: Spare your speeches, captain. Your secrets are known to me now. Your plans crumble like dust, brought down by my will..... and a shiny trans-dimesional rock  
  
Captain Sorbo: Ye have struggled longer than expected, matey, but nothing is changed. You see before you your doom!  
  
(captain Sorbo shots a lighting bolt at Popeland)  
  
Popeland: Fool! I have the nexus sto..ARGGHHHHHH!!!  
  
(Popeland is electrocuted by the lighting bolt)  
  
Popeland: I thought this was going to help me!  
  
Elder God: yeah, I lied...... I do that a lot....  
  
Popeland: ah damn it!!  
  
(Popeland panics and throws the elder god at captain Sorbo. The elder god smacks into Captain Sorbo. The elder god bounces off and falls down a grate)  
  
Elder God: I regret nothiiinnnnnnngggggggg........!!!  
  
Captain Sorbo: OWWW!! You and yer damn squid!!......matey  
  
Popeland: ahha!! While he's distracted I'll reclaim my powers!  
  
Moebius: and how will you do that!?...... oh nuts  
  
Popeland: FEAR MY POWER!....Grrrr.... and ....er..... so forth!! Now I sentence you to a hell of my own making! To spend eternity in this fic!!  
  
Moebius: NNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!   
  
(Moebius suudenly finds himself looking down at the lake of the dead held by Kain and Raziel)  
  
Kain and Raziel: Captain Sorbo! He's our hero!   
With him around there's nothing to fearo!  
  
Moebius: Silence you insolent fools!!  
  
Kain: Fly captain! Fly!!  
  
(Kain and Raziel throw him into the lake of the dead)  
  
Moebius: AHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh............... this seems oddly familiar......  
  
(The scene fades to black)  
  
Popeland: V.O The fic was over, and yet there was another stories to be written. Not another Halloween one though... I mean jeez that was random..... and it nearly took a year! And by the time this appear it will have been exactly a year! Damn......  
Anyway  
To the Author goes the reviews, at last flames would be mine  
  
THE END  
  
Kain: Hey when do you think we'll get out of here?  
Janos: I'm sure Popeland will get us out soon  
Melchiah: good... cause I really need to go to the bathroom.......  
All: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Yes it's over....... Finally  
I'd like to thank everyone who reviewed...... so I will  
Ahem thanks to Random-Reader, Concept of a Demon, Ultimate Ganon, Nocturnally-Damned, The Shadow Dragon, Deionarra, Angel-Chan, Aristide, Jedi-And, Light, Kains Dark Angel, and Silveriss  
Thank you!!  
And From all of us here at Pontiff Central  
BYE!!!  
  
Fun Popeland Fact: Although this was the second Fanfic I started it's only the third I've ever finished...... freaky.. 


End file.
